Horoscopes Fri Jan 27 to Fri Feb 3

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ARIES (March 21-April 19): It’s been said that the most people’s bank accounts reflect the average of that of their friends. Stars say it’s a good week to upgrade our personal contacts Aries. We’ve been waiting for a reason to respond to Facebook friend requests with “what’s your net worth?”
 
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Never confuse wisdom with luck, say the Ferengi, Star-Trek’s race of über-capitalist aliens. This week Taurus we’re a bit stressed out by someone who has done just that. Is this why the scratch off lottery ticket games are kept so simple?
 

GEMINI (May 21-June 21): “The more choices you have,” says Tom Butler-Bowder, “the greater the need for focus.” Your average Gemini tends to love choices, but hate choosing. Stars say we’ve lots of choices this week Gem, and the key to success is “pick one.”

CANCER (June 22-July 22): We’re likely to get in an argument with someone really close by, or really far away this week Cancer. Which means the best plan will to only talk with people mid-way across the room.

LEO (July 23-Aug 22): Our reputation gets a boost everywhere but with the family cat this week Leo. And also maybe not with our spouse. Or our kids. The houseplants aren’t impressed either. The dog is on the bench but we can sway him with a biscuit.

VIRGO (Aug 23-Sept 22): “Inspiration is the result of hard work and focus,” says Helen Hanson, “Muses are too unreliable to keep on the payroll.” The key to success this week is drawing up plans to define a vision Virgo. We don’t think Michelangelo just picked up a brush and started slapping paint on that church ceiling, do we?

LIBRA (Sept 23-Sept 22): Stop counting crayons, just draw pictures, advises Mark Scharenbroich. Stars say, it’s good advice Libra. Especially for us, and especially this week.

SCORPIO (Oct 23-Oct 22): Ego, says Ambrose Bierce, is doing the New York Times crossword puzzle with a pen. Stars say it’s not a good week to be show-offy with what we know Scorpio, especially if we’ve got a bet on it.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22-Dec 21): We get a message that makes us change the way we approach a daily routine this week Sadge. We hate it when we ask what happened to the maid, only to be reminded we’ve never had one.

CAPRICORN (Dec 22-Jan 19): “I learn things from my kids all the time,” quips Jimmy Kimmel. “Most of their knowledge comes from Snapple caps.” We’re learning things from kids this week Capricorn. Perhaps it’ll be where to put our money: Snapple stock, for instance.

AQUARIUS (Jan 20-Feb 18): The key to happiness this week is making a big push to change stuck situations on the home front Aquarius. Expect someone to object to a reallocation of resources. We knew the cat wouldn’t like it when we reclaimed her favorite chair.

PISCES (Feb 19-March 20): This week Pisces, our life feels like that point in every fairy tale when the hero realizes they’ve made a problematic choice in love; our date’s relation is a powerful witch, our affections have been given to a beast, our new love wears glass slippers which can only lead to podiatry bills. What we want to know is where’s the fairy godmother when we need one?

 

 

 

 

 

Horoscopes Fri Jan 20-Fri Jan 27

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ARIES (March 21-April 19): “Healing,” wrote W. H. Auden, “is not a science, but the intuitive art of wooing nature.” We may want to woo nature a bit this week Aries, to drive the sniffles away. If a bull moose comes crashing through our door though, we’ve wooed a bit too vigorously.
 
 
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): In Douglass Adam’s Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy there’s a machine called “Total Perspective Vortex.” It shows us how insignificant we are in relation to the rest of the universe. Our own Total Perspective Vortex is out of kilter this week Taurus, so take neither losses nor victories too seriously.
 
 
GEMINI (May 21-June 21): “Only enemies speak the truth,” writes Stephen King. “Friends and lovers lie endlessly, caught in the web of duty.” We’re ready to face the truth this week Gemini. Even if we’re not ready. It’s for times like these we’re good at doing two things at once.
 
 
CANCER (June 22-July 22): “Buy old masters,” advised Lord Beaverbrook. “They bring better prices than young mistresses.” Something we thought was an asset is costing us this week Cancer. Perhaps our plan to become a millionaire by keeping seven figures in float between credit cards has flaws after all.
 
 
LEO (July 23-Aug 22): We’ll meet a tall, dark, handsome stranger this week Leo. And we should not believe anything they tell us, especially if it involves money. Unless we’re at the bank teller’s window. Those people always take it badly if we say, “Liar!” after they tell us how much is currently in our checking account.
 
 
VIRGO (Aug 23-Sept 22): Dignity and an empty sack is worth the sack, say the Ferengi, Star-Trek’s race of über-capitalist aliens. We’ve put our mouth where our money should be and have to live with the consequences Virgo. Stars say pay attention to what pays the bills. Losing money to say face is best left to the Leos.
 
 
LIBRA (Sept 23-Oct 22): “Become who you are,” advised Nietzsche. Stars say it’s a good week to put Nietzsche’s words into action Libra. Which means we should avoid playing the game Clue, unless we’d like to actually become Mrs. Peacock with the pipe in the Conservatory.
 
 
SCORPIO (Oct 23-Nov 21): The problem of King Lear, says Princeton law professor Hendrik Hartog, begins when he gives away his property. Real estate causes headaches this week Scorpio. Stars say if we stop banging our head against a wall trying to get the reality of a situation to change, it can only help.
 
 
SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22-Dec 21): “Computers are useless,” said Picasso. “They only give you answers!” Knowledge may be power, but knowing what questions to ask is influence, and it’s influence rather than power that will be more useful this week Sadge. We knew that way back when, our first word was “why?” for a reason.
 
 
CAPRICORN (Dec 22-Jan 19): To some Native Americans gold’s chief value was it could be pressed into bullets without being melted first. Adventurers sometimes provoked being shot at in order to retrieve the bullet. At times this proved an unwise way of gaining assets. Avoid repeating their mistake this week Cappy.
 
 
AQUARIUS (Jan 20-Feb 18): Remember that scene in the original Star-Wars (would that it had remained sequel-less) where Luke Skywalker hears Obi-Wan tell him to turn off his computer and use the Force? We’re Luke this week Aquarius, and should trust our intuition. Hopefully we’ll avoid the hots for our sister thing as well.
 
 
PISCES (Feb 19-March 20): Thoreau’s Walden is revered as a paean to solitary commune with nature. What most folks don’t realize is his cabin on Walden pond was merely a stone’s throw from town, and neighbors passed by regularly. Being alone together is this week’s task Pisces. Maybe we can even write a book about it.

Horoscopes Fri Jan 13-Fri Jan 20

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ARIES (March 21-April 19): Before we borrow money from a friend, it’s been said, we should decide which we need more. Friends and finances are on our mind this week Aries. Either that, or we’re on their mind. Which we should wish for, even the stars don’t know.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): “Always pull up survey stakes,” said environmentalist Ed Abbey. “Anywhere you find them. Always.” Stars say we’ve the power to go beyond former boundaries this week Taurus. If we are a surveyor though, we might want to take the pull up survey stakes thing with a grain of salt.

GEMINI (May 21-June 21): Uber-traveler Rolf Potts, sitting on a strip of grass in Hong Kong, is told by an English-speaking local that it’s not healthy to sit on the grass. Potts replies, “It’s okay–where I come from we sit on the grass all the time.” “Yes,” says the local, “but where I come from, grass is for dogs to use as a toilet.” Enlightenment comes in strange form from far away this week Gem.

CANCER (June 22-July 22): “Sex will get you through times with no money,” says Barbara Kingsolver, “better than money will get you through times with no sex.” What we want to know is what will get us through times when there’s neither, Cancer. Stars say that’s what friends are for. If everyone avoids us this week, we’ll know they read our horoscope too.

LEO (July 23-Aug 22): Zsa Zsa Gabor considered herself to be a great housekeeper–every time she got a divorce, she kept the house. We might have cause to remind someone unhappy with our housekeeping abilities of Zsa Zsa’s method this week Leo. That, or hand them a broom.

VIRGO (Aug 23-Sept 22): Avoid water cooler gossip if we want to be successful this week Virgo. We should also avoid water cooler gossip even if we only want to be entertained. You know what this means? We’re going to be pretty thirsty all week.

LIBRA (Sept 23-Oct 22): A scene in Mel Brook’s Young Frankenstein has Dr. Frankenstein say, “Love is the only thing that can save this poor creature, and I’m going to convince him he’s loved even at the cost of my life.” He then enters the room his creature is in–only to scream to be let out when he sees the monster begin to wake. Our relationship with a creative endeavor goes that way this week too, Libra.

SCORPIO (Oct 23-Nov 21): It’s been said the problem with eating at a nice German restaurant is an hour later we’re hungry for power. We’re hungry for more influence on the home front this week Scorpio. Stars say only push hard if we truly want to know exactly where we stand in the scheme of things.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22-Dec 21): “Hearing voices no one else can here isn’t a good thing,” says Ron to Harry Potter, “even in the wizarding world.” We’re sensitive to messages from beyond this week Sadge. Which doesn’t mean we should act on what we hear. Remember, just because they’re spirits, doesn’t mean they’re smart.

CAPRICORN (Dec 22-Jan 19): “Here all, trust nothing,” say the Ferengi, Star-Trek’s race of uber-capitalist aliens. Stars say this is particularly good advice in realms of finance this week Cappy. What we want to know is does this mean we should, or should not, go for that hearing-enhancement devise sold on the “but wait! There’s more!” tv info-mercial.

AQUARIUS (Jan 20-Feb 18): Martinis, Len Goodman says, are like women: one isn’t enough and three are too many. We’re going to encounter one woman too many this week Aquarius. Once we’ve said “Hi” to two, best avoid all others rest of the week.

PISCES (Feb 19-March 20): “When I was young, I was misled by flashcards into believing that xylophones and zebras were much more common,” notes Any-Elyse Neer. We can be misled into believing just about anything this week Pisces. Stars say, stay away from tv infomercials and anyone who tells us we can make millions with just a small, initial investment.

Horoscopes Fri Jan 6-Fri Jan 13

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Aries (March 21-April 19): “No,” said Aries actor William Shatner, “I don’t regret anything at this point. That may change on the next phone call, but at the moment, I don’t regret anything.” (Aside, to his secretary) “Hold all my calls.” Follow Shatner’s lead this week Aries, and we’ll regret nothing at week’s end too.

 

 Taurus (April 20-May 20): There’s a follower of Buddhism who allows himself to own no more than 100 items. Sounds like a lot, ’til we read this includes every fork, pen, and toothbrush Taurus. We’re feeling like this guy has moved in with us this week as our stuff collides with someone else’s empty space. Stars say, compromise is possible, but one of our 20 teddy bears will have to go.

 

 Gemini (May 21-June 21): “Money is something you’ve got to make in case you don’t die,” says Max Asnas. Death and money are on our mind this week Gem. Which means that we’re either buying life insurance or someone’s got to figure out what to do with the dead goldfish, and whether it’s worth it to buy another.

 

 Cancer (June 22-July 22): “Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra,” says Simpson’s creator Max Groenig. “Suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the weasels come.” A partnership shows its intense side this week Cancer. Stars say stay off of snowmobiles and it may even turn out exciting.

 

 Leo (July 23-August-22): A famous study shows that given the chance to split a free pot of money unevenly or get nothing–the average person will choose nothing rather than see someone else get more. Stars say we’ll be asked to compromise this week Leo. Here’s our chance to prove we’re above average, just like we’re always saying we are.

 

 Virgo (August 23-Sept 23): “At my lemonade stand, I used to give away the first glass for free, and charge five dollars for the second glass,” says Emo Phillips. “The second glass contained the antidote.” We’re getting business advice from young people this week Virgo. Just remember we don’t have the cuteness factor to help us get away with what a 4 year old can.

 

 Libra (Sept 24-Oct 22): “Create like a god,” advised artist Constantin Brancusi, “command like a king, work like a slave.” Stars give us an extra helping of creative and commanding juices this week Libra. As a bonus prize, they’re even throwing in the need to work like the slave thing.

 

 Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21): “We cannot solve our problems,” said Albert Einstein, “with the same thinking we used when we created them.” Well, that’s a problem is what we think Scorpio. Stars say this week we’re offered a choice between keeping an opinion, or keeping the problem.

 

 Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21): It’s been said that the American attitude towards financial planning is to obsess we’re going to the poor house one day and the next day buy a new automobile. Stars say that for financial security, pretend we’re a German this week Sadge.

 

 Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19): All religions are the same,” says Cathy Ladman. “Religion is basically guilt, with different holidays.” We’re going to feel guilty for something this week Cappy, but no worries–our sources say the man in the mirror will accept our apology.

 

 Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18): May your home be too small to hold all of your friends, goes an Irish proverb. Something about our space is feeling cramped these days Aquarius. Which means we’ve either got to upgrade to larger quarters, or get the party guests to leave.

 

 Pisces (Feb 19-March 20): Never place friendship above profit, say the Ferengi, Star-Trek’s race of über-capitalist aliens. It could be a friend is costing us money this week Pisces, but more likely the other way around. Next year make sure the gift bottle of wine is still full before handing it over to the party hosts. What, we think they haven’t noticed?

 

 

 

 

 

Horoscopes for Fri Dec 9-Fri Dec 16

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Aries (March 21-April 19): “One can miss the boat,” says Daniel Behrman, “just by turning up too soon.” We’re in such a hurry not to miss out on anything that we’re at risk of missing it all this week Aries. Stars say slow down and focus, or we may find a bus that won’t miss us.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): “Expand or die,” say the Ferengi, Star-Trek’s race of über-capitalist aliens. Stars say it’s time to expand our expectations Taurus. What we want to know is does this mean we can add just one more thing to our Santa list? That depends on whether we can find the end of the list before Christmas.

Gemini (May 21-June 21): “I decided that when I go, I’m going to have them bury me in my four wheel drive truck,” said a four wheeling enthusiast, “because I’ve never been in a hole it couldn’t get out of.” We find ourselves needing to get out of a pit of our own making this week Gem. Hopefully we won’t be hearing that other four-wheeler saying, “The thing about four wheel drive trucks; when they’re stuck, they’re stuck.”

Cancer (June 22-July 22): A few years ago a city in Italy barred pet owners from keeping goldfish in glass bowls. It’s cruel, the city council argued, to give the fish “a distorted view of reality.” We’re being asked to give up a skewed view of the truth Cancer. All we know is that next life we’re going to be more sympathetic to fish.

Leo (July 23-Aug 22): “Contrary to everything you will read about Thoreau,” says biographer Robert Sullivan, “he did not hate New York City.” Contrary to everything our friends say about us Leo, we do not actually hate the things we told them we hate. Stars say when they see us hanging out with the object of our dismissal, they won’t call us on it–they’ll post the picture on Facebook instead.

Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22): We’re finally getting the attention we’ve always thought we deserve Virgo. Which means that if the week sucks, we need to work on what kind of attention we think we deserve. It’s the same problem Cinderella had before she raised her expectations.

Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22): “For by your words you will be justified,” goes a passage from Matthew in the Bible, “and by your words you will be condemned.” We get what we talk about this week Libra. Which means talk about what we want, avoid mentioning what we don’t want, and plead the Fifth to all other questions.

Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21): The gods only laugh when people ask them for money,” goes a Japanese proverb. Friends don’t usually laugh when we ask them for money though. Sometimes they also ask for it back. This week may be one of those times Scorpio. What we want to know is does “the dog ate it,” work in this situation?

Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21): Our plate is fuller than it’s been in awhile Sadge. Which is why we’re at risk of biting off more than we can chew. Stars say practice moderation or risk irritating the Powers That Be. What we want to know is does this mean we can buy that fancy creche display, to remind us of the reason for the season?

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19): The Stoic sage Epictetus said that to be assured of happiness practice hardship periodically; for instance, ride the bus on a cold day even if we own a car, eat mac and cheese even if we can afford Lobster Alfredo. Stars say it’s a great week to get on a bus and go find a box of mac and cheese Cappy. We like perspective, right?

Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18): “I prefer dead writers,” says Fran Lebowitz, “because you don’t run into them at parties.” We run into an old friend this week Aquarius. Stars say whatever we do, don’t ask them to comment on a personal project or we’ll discover why they had to come back into our life, instead of remaining already there.

Pisces (Feb 19-March 20): In politics, it is said, the problem is never the crime, it’s the cover up. That’s our problem exactly this week Pisces. A detail we’ve neglected comes back to haunt us. Like Ebenezer Scrooge we’ve still got time to fix the problem before things go to hell in a handbasket.